Heart and Soul

For it was not into my ear you whispered,
but into my heart...

It was not my lips you kissed,
but my soul...

-Judy Garland-

Negeri di atas awan

Slamat pagi...
Ga kbayang klo suatu hari nanti gw ga bisa lg liat pmandangan keren kya gini.
Ga bisa lewatin jln ini dan ngliat puncak-puncak gunung sjajar sama mata gw, bdiri lbh tinggi dari awan, nrobos kabut, masuk perut bumi...
Uhhh i miss this place already.

PS: picture taken @ mile 57 from Tembagapura to Kuala Kencana, early morning

Bahagia diatas penderitaan orang laen?

how could you judge if a person is being happy of other's misery?
how can you tell while you know nothing of the reason behind everything?

Apakah itu suatu kebahagiaan kalau kita tau ada orang laen yang menderita atas kebahagiaan yang sengaja kita ciptain?
Apakah akan ada ketenangan batin kalau kita tau pada saat bersamaan dimana kita menangis bahagia, disisi lain dunia ada seseorang yang menangis getir karena hal yang menjadi kebahagiaan kita?

Betapa dunia itu betul2 seimbang, ada saat bahagia dan ada saat sedih. Pada saat kita sedih, rasanya dunia ini ga adil. Padahal suatu hari nanti, kita pasti akan bahagia dan ga lagi ngliat dunia ini ga adil.

...try to listen is much better than being prejudice

PenuhPenuhPenuh

rasanya sore ini kpala gw penuh bgt, ga enak ati pulak. mo bobok dr pagi tlp ga brenti bunyi, ganggu calon ngimpi yg udah ngantri. udah makan coklat, udah ngemil, udah nonton tipi yg suaranya udah ga jelas sama skali... tp ttp aja msh brasa penuh, msh ga enak ati.

siang tadi ujan deres, mestinya bisa bawa pgi smua kkhawatiran, ksedihan dan suasana duka yg menuhin kpala dan hati temen srumah gw yg baik hati. tp ternyata ujan deres malah jadi saingan aer matanya yg nyaris ga brenti turun...

temen srumah gw sayang,
sabar ya...suatu hri nanti pasti smua pertanyaan lo akan terjawab. smua sakit hati dan kbingungan lo akan ilang.

there's a silver lining behind each cloud...
hang in there dear

Thank you Mimo tayang...

Everything can change in a blink of an eye, puff! Just like that.
Even a king can always lose his crown, at any unexpected moment.

4JJI akan slalu punya cara buat ngingetin kta smua, untuk ga lupa diri, untuk ga sombong dan ga lupa untuk slalu introspeksi diri.
Kehilangan sesuatu itu ga slalu berarti kalah, dan ngdapetin ssuatu jg ga slalu brarti menang.
Slalu akan ada waktu yg tepat untuk smua hal. Mungkin bukan skarang, ato bukan hri ini. Gmanapun, sgala ssuatu yg terjadi pasti yg terbaik yg udah d siapin buat kta.

Talk about trust...

Sbenernya sberapa jauh sih kta bisa percaya sama orang laen, ato malah terbalik ya pertanyaannya? Sberapa jauh kta bisa ngjaga kpercayaan orang ma kta?...

Be brave to be honest with yourself.
Gada gunanya brusaha ngyakinin smua orang untuk mikir sperti apa yg ada d kpala kta.
Gada gunanya nangis darah dan bela diri klo ga jelas dmana ksalahan kta.

The most important thing is you have to be able to face the world and look into everybody’s eyes to show that you have done your best and never meant to hurt anybody.

You can never win the world, as you share it with all the people…

About time..

Many times I’ve said, sampe d satu titik gw ngrasa ga bisa lg nerima & nolerir smua yg ada d dpn gw dsini, gw akan pulang. Ga peduli blom punya kerjaan ato apapun…
Mungkin itu yg d bilang impulsive ya? Gw kerjain apapun yg gw rasa perlu gw kerjain, regardless pritungan baik buruknya kputusan gw.
At my many lowest times, gw slalu ngrasa pengen pulang, pengen give everything up, pengen kabur aja, sjuta pengen2 yg laen yg bisa bikin gw ga lagi ada d sini. Tapi at my most many lowest times juga, gw slalu bisa ngalahin smua pengen kabur gw tadi.
Slalu jd nginget2 alesan knapa gw milih ada dsini, apa yg mo gw dapetin dgn pgi ksini dan sgala alesan yg dulu bikin gw pgi ninggalin Jakarta. Mungkin alesan dulu knapa gw bisa mutusin untuk pgi dari Jakarta udah ga lagi sama, ga lagi valid, tp gw masih punya alesan2 gw sendiri yg ga lagi terkait sama apapun dan siapapun.
Klo lg mikirin knapa gw ada dsini, rasanya stengah dari tujuan gw blom nyampe, gw msh slalu aja ngrasa baru mulai smuanya. Blom ada satu pun yg bisa dengan yakinnya gw bilang ke diri gw sendiri bahwa ‘ini loh yg gw dapet dsini’. Masih banyak banget hal2 yg perlu gw pelajarin, perlu gw beresin, perlu gw asah dan kikis.
Sama skali ga gampang untuk bisa ngjalanin sgala idealisme dan kebaikan dari teori kehidupan, sementara bgitu gampangnya untuk slalu ngikutin naluri manusia dengan sgala arogansi, ego dan keinginan untuk slalu lebih dari orang lain…

Usaha sendiri...???

Di satu titik kehidupan dmana sseorang ngrasa udah hebat, udah jd orang dan udah dibutuhin orang banyak..thus smua itu bikin dia jd ngrasa d atas awan, jd besar kpala, d situlah awal dari brantakannya sgala gilang gemilang yg udah dia raih dengan susah payah.

Smua orang bisa jadi hebat. Dan smua itu gakan terwujud sendirian.
Keep in mind that u are never on your own.
Slalu ada orang2 yg secara langsung dan ga langsung ngasih dukungan moril maupun materil, ngasih ksempatan dan ngajarin tentang apapun. Slalu ada orang2 yg ga putus ngucap doa buat kbahagian dan kmudahan idup kta.
Gmana mungkin lo bilang smuanya lo dapetin atas usaha lo sendiri…?

Everyone has their own past.
Live with it, for what ever happened in your life is the reason you are standing in this very moment.
Slalu ada langit di atas langit…

Uhhhh

Akhirnya gw bisa ng-blog lg, tp kok tiba2 bt n gada ide mo nulis apaan.

Ambilkan bulan

Ambilkan bulan bu
Ambilkan bulan bu
Yang slalu bersinar di langit
Di langit bulan benderang
Cahyanya sampai ke bintang

Ambilkan bulan bu
Ambilkan bulan bu
Untuk menerangi
Tidurku yang lelap
Di malam gelap

This is what i call an ever after favourite song. Gw slalu suka lagu ini, dmana aja n kpan aja.

Just hurry be...

Gone at last…
At times like this, I just wish I had the special gift of reading other’s mind.
You seem miles away, where there should be an ear to ear smile brighten your face.
Just hurry be, get the scattered puzzles back in its place and let the world see the sparkle light your eyes.

Desktop KupuKupu

Ga tau knapa, gw sering kli cuma pengen meluk dia kenceng2. Udah gila!
Kadang matanya kya ngliat sesuatu yang jauh banget. Kyanya ada sama gw, tp gada sama gw.
Pengen meluk dia n ngasi tau klo ada gw dsini, biar matanya ga lg nerawang jauh, biar bisa bener2 ada sama gw. Cuma pengen bilang klo smua akan baik2 aja, bahwa suatu hri nanti pasti akan ada muka baru d desktopnya…

Pada akhirnya yg smua orang perlu tuh cuma waktu. Waktu untuk bisa ngerti, bisa nrima, bisa maafin, bisa mulai lg smuanya. Smoga aja gw ga dateng d waktu yg salah…dan smoga kmu cepet sembuh, n meanwhile, masih bisa pasang poto kupu2 buat ganti desktop dulu kan?

Let's be in LOVE

If life supposed to be easy, perhaps we would have it filled with laughter
Then, if life is hard, perhaps we should have the manual guidance

If love can fail you, why fall in love
If love can brings more colour to your life, why don’t feel free to fall in love

Life may fail you occasionally
You might fail many tasks

Up to one morning where the sun stop rising
Just embrace love and let the warmness fill your heart
Me, standing here in this part of my life now…
Welcoming this new hope and love to color my life

Let’s fly and see the world in broader view
Take the challenge and be brave

…just be in love and enjoy life

T U L A L I T

Knapa sih sadarnya mesti udah telaaaatttt bgt.
Kmana aja lo kmaren2?
Udah sgala macem dikerjain, udah mondar mandir setor muka n manis2...
Ga nyadar juga!

Wadooohhhh bneran tulalit deh, parah!

Freak Out

Akan slalu ada waktu dmana kta ngrasa ktakutan. Gmana bisa ngrasa berani klo kta mesti ngjalanin ssuatu yang kta ga tau akhirnya akan kya apa…

It might happen in your relationship, as we all know.

Btapa ga adilnya, klo suatu hri kta got freak out on our relationship and do something just to make sure it’s the right decision, that we’re with the right person or just want to pretend we’re someone else. Dan apa yg kta kerjain sbagai kompensasi ktakutan tadi ternyata ga sukses, ga bener…trus kta berusaha balik lg k ssuatu yang bikin kta takut.

Betapa egoisnya klo kta berharap mreka akan ngerti dan maklum.

Betapa beruntungnya klo pintu hati mereka masih penuh dengan maaf dan skali aja ksempatan buat kta ngbenerin dan ngbuktiin smuanya.

Thank You...

It's been a while since we had our chit chat. I've missed you so beary much!
Never thought I've walked away from you, from everything and in the end I found it hard to return to you, to everything.
I have created a whole new world for my own sake here and shut down everything I had, I always have there.

I am home now...

Thank you for being there, for your understanding and for your willing to wait for me to return home.
Sorry for keeping you off my life.

ps: masa hukumannya udah kelar Chik, thanks for opening my eyes and heart, wuf yu...

Darkness...

Beautiful pictures are developed from negatives in a dark room
So if you see darkness in your life
It means God is making a beautiful pictures for you in/of your life

...thanks Mba D...

Do You Know...?

Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you?
Where are you going to?
Do you know...?

Do you get what you're hoping for
When you look behind you there's no open door
What are you hoping for?
Do you know...?

Once we were standing still in time
Chasing the fantasies
That filled our minds
You knew how I loved you
But my spirit was free
Laughin' at the questions
That you once asked of me

Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you
Where are you going to?
Do you know...?

Now looking back at all we've planned
We let so many dreams
Just slip through our hands
Why must we wait so long
Before we'll see
How sad the answers to those questions can be

Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you
Where are you going to?
Do you know...?

Do you get what you're hoping for
When you look behind you there's no open door
What are you hoping for?
Do you know...?

theme from Mahogany

Doa gw hri ini...

Saat mata tak bisa lagi saling menatap
Saat jemari tak bisa lagi saling menyentuh
Saat suaramu tak lagi terdengar

Hanya mampu terpekur menunduk
Memanjatkan doa di sisi pusaramu
Menyentuh nisan bergoreskan namamu

Tuhan Yang Maha Mendengar,
Aku mohon
Terimalah iman islamnya…
Ampunilah segala dosa dan kesalahannya…
Lapangkanlah jalannya menuju ke tempat terbaik di sisiMu…
Bahagiakanlah ia di sana…

Tuhan Yang Maha Pemurah,
Aku mohon
Ajari aku untuk dapat mengikhlaskan kepergiannya…
Ajari aku untuk mampu memaafkan diriku atas segala yang telah terjadi…

Tuhan Yang Maha Kuasa,
Hanya Engkau yang mampu menjadikan segalanya ada dan tiada…
Aku pasrahkan hidup dan matiku hanya kepadaMu…

Lampung, EnamMeiDuaRibuTujuh

Hiding Place

There are times when u feel like hiding, or just be by urself to express ur heart and mind. Just to sit there and enjoy the helplessness, cry till ur eyes swollen, scream till ur throat sore.

Imagining myself on the beach again. Such a quite place, the cool wave keeps coming back to the beach and wet my feet, soft sand beneath my feet, little crab running away from the water. Birds fly above my head. Blue sky...blue ocean...

...........

Do u realize that before u cry, ur heart feels hurt, the wrisk of ur left hand hurts so bad, u can hardly breath properly and next comes the blurring eyes...and u cry.

..........

Another ten days before my flying home but somthing just doesnt feel right. I'll think of my beach tonite, hope to find some strength and peacefullness.

Count Down to Closing Day

Kta ga slalu punya ksempatan buat nyelesein smuanya sperti yg kta mau. Banyak hal yg cuma bisa dslesein sama waktu, entah bsok, lusa, taun depan ato spuluh taun lagi. Rasanya skarang gw msh punya ksempatan buat nutup smuanya dengan baik, at least sbaik yg gw bisa.

Rasanya kya mesti balik lg k hri itu, tp gw ttp mesti jalanin smuanya, to have peace with my past. Smoga aja gakan ssusah yg gw khawatirin.

I'll be there on your bday, hope to see you smhow...

Drowning

Been a long and hard days lately, feel exhausted, out of breath, mentally ill and other expression doesnt seem to be able describing my real feeling. I had blurry eyes today, cant control myself. Feels tired to tolerate things that has no system, tolerate people that has no manner nor attitude.

At times like this, I wish I cud just packed up my bag n go straight to the airport, buy one way ticket...coming home.

...18days to go to departure...

NICE doesnt equal GOOD

Bner2 bukan hal yg gampang buat bisa jd orang yg adil, yg bisa ngambil kputusan terbaik dan nghasilin win-win solution n keep everybody happy. Pasti ada aja hal2 yg mau ga mau jd korban, pihak2 yg ngrasa ga powasss...

Being extreme isnt a choice.

Tlalu tegas bisa jd sama artinya sama ga bisa fleksibel ato even worse, ga bisa kerjasama. Tlalu baik bisa jd di anggep ga punya wibawa, gada power ato apalah sbangsanya.

Mungkin yg perlu tuh empati, kpekaan dan logika ya? Jd kta slalu bisa ngerti apa yg orang rasain, bisa ngrasain dan as an outsider, bisa ngliat smuanya dr sisi lain supaya bisa dpt jln kluar tbaik yg bisa kta pikirin.

...a day when nice doesnt equal good...

Keep Your Feet On The Ground

Jangan pernah lupa klo dunia itu berputar dan elo pasti akan kbagian nempatin smua arah yg ada. Utara, timur, selatan, tenggara...atas, bawah, samping...seneng, sedih...kurus, gendut...nangis, ktawa. Pokonya sgala rasa deh, ga pake kcuali.

Knapa mesti ngrasa diri paling hebat?

Skolah tinggi dan titel hebat...
Pengalaman jutaan taun d sana sini...
Cantik, ngganteng, body keren, seksi atau berotot...
Kartu kredit ngjejer, mobil keren, rumah pribadi, gaji gede...
Posisi tinggi d kantor...

Udah lupa ya klo d atas langit tuh slalu ada langit. Wake up mannn...!!!

Titik dmana elo ngrasa lebih hebat dari orang laen adalah awal jatohnya elo. Sadar akan sgala kmampuan yg kta punya itu harus, tp bukan buat jd sombong.

Ga malu sama padi? Yang smakin berisi smakin menunduk...

Elo ga akan pernah tau apa yg akan kjadian sama idup lo bsok. Bukan ga mungkin suatu hri elo akan ngemis2 d kaki orang yg pernah lo buang2 dengan seenak jidat. Bukan ga mungkin sgala ssuatu akan berbalik nyusahin elo. Ga akan pernah ada orang yg berharap sgala hal buruk kjadian d idupnya. Ga ada orang yg punya keistimewaan untuk bisa milih mau dilahirin d kluarga dan kondisi kya apa.

Jangan pernah lupa untuk slalu liat k bawah, biar kta ga brenti bersyukur atas sgala klebihan yg kta punya.
Trus...
Abis itu jangan lupa liat k atas, supaya kta sadar klo msh ada orang2 hebat laen yg ttp sederhana dan membumi.

TiMe AfteR TiMe

Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick and think of you
Caught up in circles confusionis' nothing new
Flashback, warm nights...almost left behind
Suitcases of memories, time after..

Sometimes you picture me, I'm walking too far ahead
You're calling to me, I can't hear what you've said
Then you say, go slow
I fall behind
The second hand unwinds

If you're lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you, I'll be waiting
Time after time

After my picture fades and darkness has turned to gray
Watching through windows, you're wondering if I'm OK
Secrets stolen from deep inside the drum beats out of time

...nighty nite, sleep tight...

MeNJeRiTTT...!!!

BoSeNNNNNNNNNN banget, matek bener deh rasanya.
Minjem buku di perpus, maleeessss banget mo mbacanya.
Mo brenang, ujan ampir tiap malem. Mo erobik, kerjaan ga kelar2, lembur terussss...
Aduhhhh akuw bosaaaannnn...!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...pasrah deh ngbayangin tagihan internet gw mbengkak hikssss...

N I M O

Udah pernah baca Cintapuccino-nya Icha Rahmanti? Klo butuh bacaan yang ga pake mikir dan menghibur, gw rekomen banget chicklit ini. Seruuu...mungkin sdikit kuatir karna brasa baca kisah sendiri hahaha...

Anyway, lets talk about my own "NIMO"

I knew him since we're wearing the blue uniform, long time ago indeed. But ever since, he's always been an unanswered question in my teen's life. It's funny how he could be sooo adorable and sooo distance at the same time.
Even when I thought we had this 'thing' going on, he declined from the commitment I stubbornly asked. I didn't stop then, cos I believed there were signs (man, the book really does expressing the situation loud and clear) saying I should move on.
At some points, I started letting go all this silly things about the "nimo". Fortunately, he dissapeared. No message, no phone call. Nothing. Zero.
And so I moved on...

Until one day, he called and in his own way, he was asking for a second chance. Whatta selfish bastard!!! Can't help myself, sorry, but that's the fact. So it was a perfect timing, but for who??? If someone really do care about us, I believe that they will do their best to caused us no harm and keep us safe. Would it be fair for someone to stroll into one's life and apologize to make things right? Heaven would not exist then...earth would be such a peaceful and happy place.

Another funny thing from my lovely "nimo" was about the short messages I received periodically from unknown number. Incidentally, i found out that he was the one sending all the messages. It was the day I made peace with my "nimo".

...ada alasan kenapa kita berjodoh dengan seseorang untuk beberapa waktu dan tidak untuk waktu yang lain... (nyontek dari Cintapuccino)

Another Year, Another Bday

Uhhhh rasanya bner2 ga enak, makin deket ke hari ulang taun gw yang tinggal beberapa jam. Reviewing all that's been happening in my life, all my achievements, my mistakes, my stubbornness, all the worst and best things... Mo ngapain lg abis ini ya? Gw ga mo pake smua kalimat-kalimat klise buat sgala rencana baru dan niatan baru buat taun ini.

Resolusi ulang taun gw taun ini: GA ADA RESOLUSI hehehehe...gembel ya?

Soal perjodohan, semoga gw akhirnya bisa dipertemukan sama laki-laki terbaik yang udah dipilihin 4JJI buat ngedampingin gw seumur idup dan in the end, akan bawa gw ke kebahagiaan lahir batin, dunia akhirat.

Soal kerjaan, moga2 gw bisa ngejalanin semuanya dengan lebih bijaksana dan dewasa, lebih peka dan sensitif untuk ngeliat sgala hal, lebih bisa obyektif dan ngeliat smuanya dari segi positif.

Apapun yang akan kejadian adalah suatu proses pendewasaan diri, dan ga akan ada kesempatan buat ngulang. Jadi gw harus belajar buat lebih tenang dalam ngadepin segala sesuatu dan ga emosi, jadi hasilnya juga bisa diusahain buat lebih baik.

...Just do my best and let 4JJI take care the rest...

Some people come, Some people go

Mendekati taun baru, ternyata ada kecenderungan tingginya tingkat kematian di ampir sluruh bagian dunia. Well, i didn't believe it myself but since i work in a clinic somewhere in papua, i experiencing this myself. Some expat doctors confirming that this fenomena happens every year, weird isn't it?

Among those people is my grandma, mbah putri meninggal dunia duapuluhtiga desember kemaren, empat hari sbelum hari ulang taunnya yg ke sembilanpuluh. Sayangnya, lokasi gw yg terpencil bikin gw ga sempet ketemu lg sama mbah putri gw yg baik hati itu. Ga lagi akan denger kalimat khasnya klo ditanya soal kesehatannya, "alhamdulillah berkat doa anak, menantu, cucu, cicit smuanya, mbah sehat2".

Semoga taun ini 4JJI masih ksi kta smua waktu untuk bareng2, saling memaafkan dan melapangkan hati atas smua yang pernah kejadian antara kta dan orang lain. Yang paling penting, smoga kta bisa maafin diri sendiri atas sgala kemarahan dan penyesalan masa lalu. Cos you have to be able to forgive yourself before forgiving others.

Happy New Year everyone...

Masih perlu ya...?

Taun baru lagi, rencana baru, resolusi baru...
Masih perlu ya?
Males bgt gw buat lagi2 bikin list sgala rencana dan hal baru yg pengen gw kerjain taun ini, rasanya kok basi bgt. Taun ini gw cuman pengen ngjalanin aja smuanya satu2 dan liat where life'd take me.

...sounds pesimistic huh?

Well, still put my hopes high though...may things be better in me, for me and all those people around me.